imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
