I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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