last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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