words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
