I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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