Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
