I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
