Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
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On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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