I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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