Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
