Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
