the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just forgot I was standing up.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
