My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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