I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
