so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
