Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
