I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
