How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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