Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.