I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
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We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.