bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
