I'd wear matching sweaters with you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
