miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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