We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
