Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
