Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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