I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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