this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
