So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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