the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
