god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
