oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
