Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
