So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
