Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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