Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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