Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
