i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She bit a glass in half.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
