My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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