i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
