i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
