just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
