Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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