I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
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i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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