thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
