Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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