I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
