One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
