My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
