She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
