just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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