So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
