I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
