The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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