i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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