i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would ride that face into the sunset
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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