My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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