I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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