It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
