just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
